Can a movie with a title like “Cocaine Bear” be called conventional? Yes, sadly, it can.
Believe it or not, CB is based on a true story. Back in September of 1985, Andrew C. Thornton II – a drug smuggler who was once a narcotics agent – was flying over Chattahoochee-Oconee National Forest when he realized that his plane – a Cessna 404 Titan – was carrying too much weight. In an attempt to lighten its load, he dropped 75 pounds of cocaine, valued at over $2 million dollars.
Thornton then jumped out of the plane, only to plummet to the Earth and die when his parachute didn’t open. His coke didn’t go to waste, though, and that’s why we have a movie called “Cocaine Bear.” Two plus two equals four. Beautiful, isn’t it?
A set-up like that gives you a lot of leeway in the suspension of disbelief department. And, what do our filmmakers do with that leeway? Not much.
Crying out for off-the-wall, loopy, live action cartoon craziness, CB opts, instead, to mostly play it straight. That’s right, a movie called “Cocaine Bear” decides that the best approach is to tone the crazy down.
After the Cocaine Bear tears its first victim up real good, the movie slows things down to introduce a series of not very compelling characters.
There’s Detective Bob (Isiah Whitlock Jr.) who’s on the case while dealing with the disappointment of a cute little, pampered doggie somehow ending up in his life instead of the rugged, playful golden retriever he was expecting. His partner, Officer Reba (Ayoola Smart), agrees to take care of the mutt while he heads to Chatta-Oco in hopes of catching the elusive drug dealer, Syd White (Ray Liotta).
Also along for the ride is Mama Bear Sari (Keri Russell), her daughter, Dee Dee (Brooklyn Prince) and Dee Dee’s annoying little brother she never had, Henry (Christian Convery).
Added to this collection of folks is a randy Ranger named Liz (Margo Martindale), her “golly-gee” target, Peter (Jesse Tyler Ferguson), Syd’s henchmen, Daveed (O’Shea Jackson) and Eddie (Alden Ehrenreich), who also happens to be Syd’s son. Oh, and, there are a trio of young punks: Kid Stache (Aaron Holiday), Vest (J.B. Moore) and Ponytail (Leo Hanna) who are up to no good and in over their heads.
All of these fine folks converge on Chattahoochee-Oconee National Forest just as Cocaine Bear is getting a buzz on.
Now, there are some loopy moments – Cocaine bear dancing; Cocaine bear getting it on with a tree; plenty of goofy, over-the-top gore – but, problem is – there just aren’t enough of them.
Instead, long stretches of CB are devoted to ho-hum scenes of characters not named Cocaine Bear wandering through the woods playing out their assigned storylines. Though these scenes are handled well, they’re dull and take precious screen time away from the true star of the movie – the black bear who makes Tony Montana look like an anti-drug zealot.
CB is so determined not to cut loose that it can almost be accused of false advertising. Seriously. Because, once I heard that title, “Cocaine Bear”, I don’t know about anybody else, but I, immediately, pictured a non-stop, wall-to-wall action-horror comedy that held nothing back. That is not what CB is – not even close.
The blame may lie at the feet of director Elizabeth Banks. She also called the shots on the strangely lifeless “Charlie’s Angel” reboot back in 2019. That movie also seemed confused about what it was, which it shouldn’t have been because it had already been a TV show, two other movies with three other Angels and another TV show with yet another set of Angels. It should’ve been cheeky, sexy, silly with lots of energy and flash – it wasn’t.
Here, in CB, too many scenes are lifeless and not half as ridiculous as they should be. Also, for some reason, the whole Eighties vibe is played down. To me, CB seemed like a perfect opportunity to combine the cheesiness of the story with the acres of cheese to be found in the decade that gave us Van Halen, Ronald Reagan and the mullet. Or were the filmmakers worried about overdoing the whole Eighties nostalgia thing that shows like “Stranger Things” have been feasting off of for a while now?
No idea, but, while watching CB, it did seem as though the 80s vibe was half underplayed. They could’ve really gone for it, but, like the premise of CB itself – and what the premise suggested as far as tone is concerned – they, instead, decided to go half-way.
Dumb and silly, but not dumb and silly enough, CB plays like it’s not fully behind its own goofball premise. It’s almost as if it wants to be taken…seriously. Never has the word, seriously, felt as dirty as it does here.
Just say ‘No’ to Cocaine…Bear.
